The rejection and my empty hands--
My night follows me,
A bicycle dragging tin cans

He walked the white wounded road

Amidst masses of gleaming naked corpses  

Reality subtly dipped in nightmare

Drowned out by the screaming of dying white horses.  

My Plea

You don't know what's its like to be alone

Until you've been in a pair of arms who love you

and then forgotten.

Because you can't understand what you don't have until you had and lost

Because you'll never know what you could have been until it was here and then gone

Ive told you I love you one million times

And heard your hollow voice echo back

Once you loved me.

Once you wanted me to be yours 

Once you told me you loved me

But now you tell me to hurry up

Don't you understand?

I'm running to you as fast as I can

But it's never fast enough, not for you.

But now I'm empty handed with nothing to give

Because Ive been given nothing for so long

I don't want your damn money and I don't want your damn stuff

I dont want you doing my laundry or telling me I'm enough

All I want is you to want me 

All I want is you for free

All I want is your care and your want
All I want is you, that's my plea. 

They tell me not to be sad

To lift my eyes and kiss my scars goodbye

To see the horizon breaking the chains of my past

To believe I'm unharmed by the words that shaped me into who I am

But am I not only a man?  

Can I believe reality to be but a dream 

And change my pain to joy?

Can I outlive my memories 

And break their hold on me?  

Or will they not to the grave follow me 

And only give me peace when I sleep? 

Life, have mercy and give me but one moment of peace

One moment to breath

One moment to see clearly.

No one can understand you
And no one ever will
No one can live inside your suffering
Even the only one you love
So just give up and let it all go
Because even for her
It doesn't feel worth the struggle til dawn.

Press your palms
Against mine--
Feel the flaws
Of time
And know
I to you, resign. 

I'm taken up with your hands
Subtly heating my wind brushed skin
And the whispers your lips slowly mouth
Set under burning reds dripping down dusk's face
And your gaze frozen into mine
By deathly blues choking life from the hour--
What lies beneath your eyes?
And what dreams is your heart possessed by?
I to tell this
Is as I to tell of dimmet's call for passionate cries.  

I turn my eyes away from my life
Like it's a horror film
And I'm the one they kill off--

I'm the lost boy, suspended in doubt
Waiting, just waiting for mom to find out,

I see you walking away
Holding someone else's hand
And then I awake
Screaming for it to just end,

I relapse into my feverish rest
Where I meet you face to face
But you push me away,
Rejecting my embrace

Lost among the folds of my imagination
Twisted and tangled, hopelessly strangled
Suddenly then, a pillow comes down
Laced with vengeful passion.

Again I'm sitting in a chair
While the floor meets my stare
Nothing brings me comfort
Not anymore.

Again I'm pleading for peace
While my heart silently rages,
If there is a God guiding me
I won't find Him until the last of life's pages.

A Moment With You

A hand,
Your hand-
It rubs my shoulder
And drops.
A smile
A hint of white
Your medicine
For my heart.
Two eyes
Your eyes
A happy pair
Darting into mine
Out playing past sunset.

Flurry of colors splash across white, dying the blank sheet colorful bright,
Turning plain into beautiful stains, peaceful scenes or dying pains,
Flowers of pink to show serene, lain out in a tasteful fashion,
Full of light, full of passion,
Or not do you fancy the picture of nice dancing Nancy,
If a dark scene of hurt is your sort, man who did wrong awaiting fate in court,
Mothers dripping tears fall on lost precious babe,
World of grudges, world of pains,
Who started this madness, this crazy race of strife,
Young man, it’s the race of life,
Shaken back to his canvas, splashing organized paints into places,
His color taints all of the blank spaces,
Beautiful, dark, hard, bright, still,
Emotion of his mind painted so you won’t be blind, blind to his view,
Emotion of his mind.

What is life
What is love
If I don't feel alive
If I want to die?

What is reality
What is pain
If I can't at all feel
If I don't want to be?

What is pleasure
What is wine
The glass is always empty
The night everlasting.

What is breath
What is purpose
If at each draw
The air is tasteless.

You wouldn't understand
Nor could you hope to grasp
The weight I've bore
The price I've payed

Has there been
Have you seen
Someone more lost than me?

Has there been
Have you seen
Someone who loves as much as this
Because of the forgiveness he has received?





  

In a sea of faces

He is invisible
And in a sea of arms

There are no embraces

Amidst the masses

He stands alone

Among the thousands

He's the only one.

Don't you wonder if we could have one more day
Just to ourselves?
I wouldn't tell.
Don't you wonder if you can even one more day
Starve yourself of the taste?
It can't be replaced.
Would I jump off the wagon to be with you again?
And if I leapt would you meet me there?

Rolling Hills

I carry you in my pocket,

Right next to my license 

And a diminishing stack.

The decade old worn leather,

Barely holding it together.

You follow me through the pines

That seed our rolling hills

And among the impoverished--

Sad homes built on land fills.

To where the roads have no end

And the asphalt cracks into oblivion   

I only belong where the journey intends--

I behold your words again and again

And my lonely heart begins to mend.

Could I be the murderer
To steal away my mother's son?
And does anyone hear our screams
Or am I and my darkness the only ones?

I'm too hurt to write
I'm too lost to know
All these feelings that I have
Possess no words to let you know

The Wall

I met a man on the wall
But didn't know who he was
I met a man on the wall
And saw eyes that didn't trust
I met a man on the wall
And he shook his head in disgust
I met a man on the wall
But he turned his face away--
I can't see myself this way.

My Wall

When my day is done

I head on home
Just because that's where I go--
Through the door
To a chair
To the wall where I stare.
I don't have cares
Not anymore--
Life has lost its luster
And my days of late are ever darker.

Cold

In your arms I am alone
In your bed I am cold
In your eyes I am hidden
Hand in hand I am distant.

Mountains (Haiku)

Her eyes lie in mine
And when she laughs and I trust , my
Mountains laid to dust.

The fading rose
A scarlet dream
Her pale waning face
Naught but time to take,
My wretched fate
A hundred lifetimes to not abate.

I Dream

Are our dreams solely purposed

To sate hunger's bottomless ambitions?
Do we not fantasize 

In midnight shadows

To be as we once were?
Oh, to but live forever
Amid mountain tops 

And oh, to but steal away
From time's pitiless grasp
Just this moment, you and I
Deep into the lidless pitch of night,
There my heart helplessly dwells.
There my traversing dreams are eternally bound.

Summer

My eyes to naught but hurriedly savor
The fruit of spring's rebellion
Ere the misguided prodigal turns to home.

Death

The present turns to memories
As our visions turn to dreams--
The daylight dims to darkness
Breath, now a silenced heart thrum.

Freedom.

It slowly flutters farther

And farther

From my desperately outstretched finger tips--

To hope

I can I only hope

To love

I can only dream

To smile

I can only lust 

To rest

I can only strive.  

My hands reach out

Unable to touch his face

While his eyes stare into mine

Pleading "why?" 

Reasoning to find
Begging of me
A revelation of lies.  

I'm on my knees
Screaming blindly
For the cure
But you withhold it from me
With a wild grin--
Your name is torment
And mine is sorrow.  

Among pale linens
My dreams lay to die
Hoping you'll come to call
One last time,
But one time to last
We know a lie
As warm waning dawns
Fade into the night.      

A sweet southern wind
Brushes my face
Painting playful blues
Between the clouds
And we linger, tenderly
While awaiting a bitter winter relapse
To dash aside
Our small happiness.  

Last Breath (Haiku)

Behind the drawn veil

A waxen flame shutters its'

Last breath, happiness.  

Don't believe your sweat is enough
Don't perceive your strength as the cross
But only on bent knee
Humbly at His feet
Can you, will you be set free.

I will make your suffering my own
And take your hopelessness with me, home,
I will carry your desperation through my dreams
And I will choose to understand your fears
Because I too have wept--
I labor bedside tearfully into the night
Because I too know of death and ashes
And the redemption of Jesus's saving grace
As it washes over all transgressions.    

In your arms
I am alone
In your bed
I am cold
In your eyes
I am hidden
Hand in hand
I am distant.

If I tell myself
"The joy of the lord is my strength"
Enough times will it become true?
If I tell myself
"All I want is your will"
Will my heart change?
When I wake every morning
Spinning out of control
Will you guide me?

I dread the moment 

When I meet myself 

And can't recognize 

Those hollow eyes,

Staring, glazed over with pain

And fear,

I hate mirrors--

The remembrance 

Of what I once was

And the revelation

Of what I've become,

Of the emptiness, 

Of what I've lost.  

Let's lay among the

Fields of wheat

Soaked with midnight starlight

And plunge the depths
Of each other's passions
Til' dawn do us part.  

Is there a word that can describe

Alone?

I'm on my knees

Striving, wishing someone 

Could touch me

Hoping that you

Will see me

But again I'm met

With an empty room

Silently screaming--

My life

My prison.  

 

My eyes, shadow lands lost amid wasted

Days, midnight's lit waning wax
Burns in sweet
Abandon til' life no longer tasted.  

In your arms
I am alone
In your bed
I am cold
In your eyes
I am hidden
Hand in hand
I am distant.

Mother of Nations (Sonnet, Edit #1)

Consecrate your seed, Moloch's tongue is dry,

Mother's cardinal hands fold at his throne,

Does not the dust which God breathed to life cry?

Or do their convulsions speak tongues unknown? 

Silenced voices chorus justice for deeds
As rose trickles down lust's tabernacles,
Unnoticed lamentations my heart heeds,
Womb beneath the knife, babe naught but shackles,
Can you climb to salvation on dry bones?
Will you realize the prince branded you "slave"?  
You whet his lips and tempted him with moans
But no man can slip err's eternal grave,
He who died vengeful fire will descend,
Drunk on blood Babylon wails, at their end.    

Those Who Have Slipped Away (Part Two Edit #1)

Home, it's not what is once was.

But really, what is a "home"?  A semi-coordinated conglomeration of items spreading the counters, floors, walk ways?  A possibly planned array of cushioned comforts outlying and consuming the emptiness called "rooms"?

Or, is home a symbol?  Individuals possessing an area otherwise later known as a "home".  If the air wasn't hung with warm breath, coffee tables unstressed from restful feet and twenty four shoes sleeping on the step, what would it be?

My hand falls through empty air
Missing something it needs,
Another palm to squeeze.
Something to grasp
Another hand to please.   

Lost Among the Many (Edit #2)

She lies upon a smooth careless table, lost amidst the wan cascading linen folds.  My hand wanders among the alabaster locks seeking comfort in her late embrace, but finds naught.  

She whispers in broken rasps, a prisoner strangled from within.

"Who...?"

Again she gasps past her pale waning lips, the sound of sand rushing over skin.

Could I feign disregard and ignorance, restfully acquiescing to the pull of time?

"The pull of time" I thought, such a gentle phrase.

My mind poses innocent thoughts guised as hope, wolves waiting at the door.  I terrify myself, I'm capable of that? 

Every want, every selfish fiber sown and intertwined with who I am, tears against what I know is right.  

But, can I yet again draw up sufficient strength to confess who we are?  Who we were?  Today, in this moment, could I again spit acid truth into her face and allow the toll be taken?

If I survive today, what of tomorrow, and tomorrow's inevitable arrival?               

A faint procession ushers out the warmth from under her tender beige skin, utterances of beauty lingering behind grey curtains, fluttering nearly unnoticeably.

As once one, now disavowed -- despite all my striving, innocence inevitably spites every bead of sweat birthed by hope.

At the hands of my emotions, sweat beads, gather and roll across and down my face. The unsettling silence announces my strain, dripping and puddling onto the laminate tiles.    

Jogged back, my lips thinning, running along them an unnoticeable quiver.      

"Paul?"  

"I--, I'm."

Bruised shadows wrap around her hands, once whole but now reduced, former joys lost.

My palpitating heart wildly rises in my throat, binding fistfuls of knotted muscle, set to burning.  I silently scream, my hands quaking, struggling, chained by futility.  I'm nothing but a witness to her molestation.  

Cure Me

I close my eyes
But you're still there
Touching the edge of my consciousness,
I close my eyes
And begin to pen
How I'm walking away
Never to return,
To forget
But writing emotions
Staining the parchment
With black tears
Will never cure passion.      

Lost Among The Many (Short Story Edit #1)

She whispers, a prisoner strangled from within.  Again she whispers past her pale waning lips,

"You... are."  

 A cold possession ushers out the warmth from under her tender beige skin.  

"Did you -- have you loved me?"  

"You.  You alone."      

I can already see bruised shadows wrapping around her hands.  Once whole but reduced now, suffering tragedy to call her "home".  My palpitating heart wildly rises in my throat, binding fistfuls of knotted muscle, set to burning.  I silently scream, my hands quaking, struggling, chained by futility.

Emptiness violating her flesh, and I, bound by powerlessness, am naught but a witness.

She lies upon a smooth careless table, lost among the wan cascading linen folds.    

"She is my failure."  

As once one, now disavowed -- despite all my striving, innocence inevitably spites every bead of sweat birthed by hope.  

The cold wind setting in, pressing against her chest, evidence of my mistakes.  Jogged back, my lips thinning, running along them an unnoticeable quiver.

Life Alone

"Your life will be a life of loneliness"
And I let my head fall
Willing, sacrificial
But now the call weighs
Heavily upon my shoulders,
But God, if I had but one
To call "love"
To pour out all of my soul
Couldn't I be cured, whole?  

Mountains

She laughs and I trust,
She smiles and ties
Her hands around my heart,
She laughs and lays
Her eyes into mine,
My mountains laid to dust.

Your spirit pierces my soul
Cutting through all my barriers
And my pride--
As is east from west
I divorced my darkness with Your grace,
You permeate and flow through my veins
And my heart pounds and throbs, alive.  

My lust weeps in bereavement,
But the flesh Jesus put to death
I cannot, I refuse to lament.